RBAC 130-7 lost to Driffield 190-6

The Agnes travelled to Driffield Recreation Club for a rare league game. Last year, the Agnes arrived here and won to make it 7 wins from 7 league games.

There was worry amongst all of the players upon arrival. The Manager’s eye was severely injured. It was discovered that on Wednesday evening, the Manager had been playing pink eye down on the beach with Little Richard. The Manager’s eye is now in a worse condition than Mark Beckett’s after the 2021 night out. The Manager has said he is hoping to make a full recovery. Little Richard is now unfortunately registered blind.

To the game – Marley Ward dismissed Owen Goldsworthy in his first over with a ball that pitched on leg, spun past the forward defence and just removed the bail with a tickle of the off stump (it definitely wasn’t a full toss that was close to a no ball that Glen Quagmire Dodds caught above his head on the square leg boundary). Chris Hogg-Woodmansey and Jack Oakley then begun to hit the Agnes men all over Kingsmill Road.

The Agnes reply never really got going. Charlie Watts hit a few sixes from his infamous crouched stance and Ben Traves hit a six onto the pavilion roof. All in all, we were comprehensibly beaten.

Port Moment – a one eyed Manager awarded it to Sam Wragg for his tight bowling.
After the game, the Ward brothers responded to the loss in the only way they knew. They both ordered a large cheesy chips with 12 strips of chicken and both ordered double (yes double) garlic mayo to help swill it down.

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RBA 63-9 beat DRUFCCC 58 ao

The Agnes welcomed loyal friends DRUFCCC to Victoria Fields. Games against the farm lads are usually thrillers and also played in good spirits and somehow to everyone’s surprise at the half way point, this game turned out to be a thriller too.

Agnes had a larger squad to pick from this week which made the Manager’s job much easier. Will Watts, who is still paying £65 a month to Cirencester RUFC after his alcohol and ketamine fuelled rampage 2 years ago, was still unavailable. The Flame refused to play after a midweek fall out with Albert. And Mark Beckett looks to be absent long term after his horror knee slide away at Middleton last week.

Finn Ward was available to play. This is the first time Finn has been seen (by anyone) since his 1 over of bowling against an inform Noah Kelly during last years Hospital Cup final. Proud Scotsman, Cam Anderson also made his Agnes debut.

The first half was pretty terrible and it looked like an obvious 3rd defeat in a row was on the cards. This was until Ben Traves took 4 wickets in his spell. The job still wasn’t done there though. Jordans Zamunda and Sam Wragg kept it very tight which left it for Marley Ward to bowl the final over. With 10 to win, Marley (with a tummy full of Candy Chops) conceded 4 runs and took 3 wickets. This added to the catalogue of final over thrillers against DRUFCC.

Port moment – shared between Ben Traves, Zamunda and Marley (lol @ Wraggy). A very good debut from Cam Anderson behind the stumps too.

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RBACC 75-8 lost to Middleton 102-7

This week saw the 10 men of Agnes travel to Middleton CC for the second league game of the 2024 campaign. It was a tough selection with most of the squad unavailable. Ollie Beckett was having staff training at Jet2. Ollie was learning how to hand out cans of pop and peanuts at the same time to increase efficiency.

Richard Watts, still desperate to discipline his problem child, has upgraded Will’s package at his behaviour/weight loss camp. Will now has zero minutes of screen time per day, he prays 3 times a day and trains naked (outdoors) 3 x per day. Richard will continue to throw money at this problem until it is fixed.

The Skipper deemed himself unavailable but was controversially seen driving to Beeford Cricket Club in his whites … hmmm.

Charlie Watts was at a darts competition in Driffield and Sam Appleton continued to treat the Agnes like his side chick, sending the odd text message when he was horny but never fully committing.

The Cricket –

The Flame returned having spent the winter sitting in his boxer shorts, eating Pot Noodles, sipping on flat Pepsi and being a keyboard warrior in the spare room of his mum’s house. Flame had the standout figures of 3-19 from his 4 overs. All the RBA men bowled well and were backed up well in the field. A special mention to Mark Beckett who dived at full stretch and nearly dislocated his knee which got stuck in the ground.

In reply, it started terrible with the MBP being dismissed in the 2nd over. Sam Wragg looked like he was guiding Agnes to victory when he sailed to a run a ball 48. But it wasn’t to be. Onwards and upwards.

Port moment – Sam Wragg for making batting look easy.

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Royal Burton Agnes 93-5 lost to North Dalton Cake Makers 103-3

It has been another busy winter for the Agnes management. On the business front, Agnes still have the 115 financial fair play charges looming over them, this still hasn’t stopped the Manager buying a 25% share in the Bridlington Evening League. More business news – This winter, the Manager was desperate to sign Scarborough’s Sri Lankan overseas professional. However, with a 12-point deduction threatened by Norman Lowery, it meant that Agnes had to make do with signing ex-Flamborough journeyman, Ben Traves.

It has been a chaotic winter for former number one player, Louis Beckett. Whilst on a work experience placement from his BTEC course in the States. Louis managed to drive a ship into the Baltimore Bridge.

Richard Watts, desperate to discipline his problem child Will has paid for Will to attend a strict weight loss/behaviour camp. Will works out naked twice a day and in-between workouts he reads the Qur’an.

The Skippers hairline has transitioned further away from Tristain Tate and is now much closer to Andrew Tate.

And finally, Fred Langton has spent the winter hatching chicks and posting about it on social media. Fred’s laptop was seized by the police last week.

To the cricket:

First game of the season which is always a lottery. Dalton probably scored 15/20 over par. Agnes fell a respectful 10 runs short. It was a vital lesson in seeing how unfit we all were. The skipper is currently in a hospital bed nursing his knees and ankles and Freddie Gunning is considering visiting Planet Snax less.

Port moment – Ben Traves for an Agnes debut.

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