RBA 93-1 beat Flamborough Lighthouse Men  89 – 7

The Agnes hosted the unbeaten Flamborough Lighthouse Men in this years Hospital Cup semi-final.

We begin the report with the news that Little Richard was arrested on Sunday evening for keeping hostages in his basement. A gagged and handcuffed Ben Brown was found in there. Ben Brown’s much uglier twin brother Ken Brown was also discovered alongside him. Ben is suffering from extreme dehydration and this does explain his recent absences.

Charlie Watts was visiting Harry Fenton in Wandsworth Prison but apart from that, the Manager had a full squad to select from.

The Skipper returned and bowled his usual 5 overs for not many and picked up a few wickets. Ben Traves bowled well and then the two left arm spinners; Sadiq Ward and Charlie Colley squeezed the lower order.

In reply, Cam Anderson smashed Agnes to victory with another brutal display of hitting.

Port moment – this award should have gone to Cam Anderson. Mark and Ollie Beckett were however desperate to protect Louis Beckett’s 2018 record of 6 port moments in a season so they both controversially voted for themselves for showing up.

BABB @ Agnes on Thursday.

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RBA 123-3 20 Overs lost to DRUFCCS 124 – 5 14.2 Overs

The Agnesmen travelled to Driffield Rec with the Manager once again having a thread bare team to select from.

Marley Ward was on a second date at another music festival.
Ben Brown has kept to his promise of being unavailable as long as Albert is involved with the club. Ollie Beckett played for Barmston last night and Mark Beckett continues to act like an absent father towards the younger members of the team.

Agnes got off to a flyer with 15 extras conceded before a run was scored off the bat. The MBP scored 29 and Wild Will Watts, fresh from his exclusion from weight loss and behaviour camp blasted 50 runs (Charlie Watts)

The DRUFCCS reply started terribly with Ben Traves taking 3 quick wickets. Unfortunately for the Agnes, James Pick remained in and scored quickly. Dropped catches (yes, we will name and shame) from the MBP, Charlie Watts, Jordans Zamunda and Ben Traves also didn’t help the cause.

Port moment went to Will Watts for his hitting.

After the game, in his customary manner, Richard Watts tried to kill himself by eating bowl after bowl of Full Measure curry.

A disgruntled Fin Ward, angry at his lack of bowling, went to Mario’s and ordered his usual; 6 chicken strips, large cheesy chips with a side of doner meat, all swilled down with 3 pots of garlic mayo. Fin made friends with the workforce and ended up giving some staff a lift back to Scarborough.

To see Finn giving the lads a lift back. Please see the link.

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RBA 152-3 beat Middleton 80-ao

On another bright Thursday evening, the Agnes chaps hosted Middleton.

Many of the bowling attack were unavailable; Ben Traves was attending a dog walking class in Driffield. Twin brother Finn told us exclusively that Marley was on a first date at a music festival with a female. Ben Brown has now taken Will Watts place at the behaviour and weight loss camp. Will was removed forcefully from the camp for releasing a series of misogynistic and racist tweets regarding Eniola Aluko’s coverage of the Euros.  It also looks like Harry Fenton won’t be available for the foreseeable – in the early hours of Wednesday morning, wearing only chains and leather, Harry was caught up a tree peering into his neighbour’s bathroom window. Harry was arrested at the scene.

To the game. Sam Wragg got the team off to a flyer with 36, the middle order were positive, the MBP came in and hit a quick 28 at the end whilst Cam Anderson batted through for 66.

The bowling was equally brilliant. Sam Wragg and Jordans Zamunda started tightly before being replaced by Big Merv Quagmire-Dodds. Fred Gunning and Charlie Watts then bowled brilliantly to be too much for the batsmen. Charlie Watts taking 5-28.

With no longer having to pay for Will Watts behaviour camp, Richard Watts used his extra disposable income to pay for more pizzas which was greatly appreciated by the lads. Jordans Zamunda is currently nursing a huge cheese blister on his lip.

Port moment – Cam Anderson for his 66. To see how Marley Ward’s first moments of his date went. Please see the link

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RBA 176-2 beat Beedford Bulldogs 119-ao

The Agnes won the toss on a glorious summers evening away at Beeford and elected to bat. With his new teeth glistening like a disco ball in the evening sun, Sam Moore said that he was opening the batting and he was going to finally earn that jacket. Sam Moore bludgeoned the ball in a truly enjoyable manner and raced to 65 runs. Sam exited the pitch to a standing ovation and received a very emotional hug from a tearful Manager.

Charlie Watts batted well and crouched and dipped his way to 36. Fred Gunning and the returning Skipper then both added a quick fire 27 runs each to see The Agnes post a very formidable 176 from their 18 overs.

In reply, The Skipper took two quick wickets to show everybody what we have been missing. Harvey Thompson then came on and took two wickets in two balls. The bowling was then shared between “Big Merv” Quagmire-Dodds and new Agnes man, Harry Fenton. Harry kept us all entertained by talking about his (sometimes inappropriate) fantasies that he has about his next door neighbour.

Port Moment – Sam Moore for his bullish and brilliant performance with the bat.

To see Sam’s emotional interview from after the game, please see the link.

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RBA 125-7 beat North Dalton 88-6

On a Wednesday evening, due to the football, 11 Agnes men travelled to North Dalton for what is always an enjoyable away fixture.

Albert Boynton, worried that his natural instincts of snitching would kick in with the deadline for moving fixtures missed, meant that Albert (who spent his 20s working as a prison snitch in a Russian prison) wanted nothing to do with this fraudulence.

Charlie Colley made his Agnes debut. Charlie was bowled out from his first ball. Luckily it was a no ball. Charlie was then out the very next delivery.

Desperate to receive a jacket from the Manager, Sam Moore made his debut for the season. Sam was obviously Mr Nice Guy around all the new members. Sam made 11 runs. 31 short of his target of 42.

Agnes posted 125-7.

In reply, Ben Traves bowled tight. Marley Ward then completely out bowled Charlie Colley. The final bowler, Fred Gunning, sweated an incredible amount – this might have something to do with Fred starting the day with a McDonald’s breakfast, having a full English from the Boathouse café at 11 o’clock and a Subway in the afternoon. Fred was also late because he went to PlanetSnax for a milkshake for the drive there. Fred’s sweating and terrible wind are however nothing to do with his diet and are all due to his IBS.

Fred Langton donned the keeping gloves. Fred may have dropped their best player twice. Purists may say that Fred is too tall to be a keeper. Fred left Scarborough College with no formal qualifications. 

A great win.

Port moment – Marley Ward for out bowling Charlie Colley.

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RBAC 130-7 lost to Driffield 190-6

The Agnes travelled to Driffield Recreation Club for a rare league game. Last year, the Agnes arrived here and won to make it 7 wins from 7 league games.

There was worry amongst all of the players upon arrival. The Manager’s eye was severely injured. It was discovered that on Wednesday evening, the Manager had been playing pink eye down on the beach with Little Richard. The Manager’s eye is now in a worse condition than Mark Beckett’s after the 2021 night out. The Manager has said he is hoping to make a full recovery. Little Richard is now unfortunately registered blind.

To the game – Marley Ward dismissed Owen Goldsworthy in his first over with a ball that pitched on leg, spun past the forward defence and just removed the bail with a tickle of the off stump (it definitely wasn’t a full toss that was close to a no ball that Glen Quagmire Dodds caught above his head on the square leg boundary). Chris Hogg-Woodmansey and Jack Oakley then begun to hit the Agnes men all over Kingsmill Road.

The Agnes reply never really got going. Charlie Watts hit a few sixes from his infamous crouched stance and Ben Traves hit a six onto the pavilion roof. All in all, we were comprehensibly beaten.


Port Moment – a one eyed Manager awarded it to Sam Wragg for his tight bowling.
After the game, the Ward brothers responded to the loss in the only way they knew. They both ordered a large cheesy chips with 12 strips of chicken and both ordered double (yes double) garlic mayo to help swill it down.

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RBA 63-9 beat DRUFCCC 58 ao

The Agnes welcomed loyal friends DRUFCCC to Victoria Fields. Games against the farm lads are usually thrillers and also played in good spirits and somehow to everyone’s surprise at the half way point, this game turned out to be a thriller too.

Agnes had a larger squad to pick from this week which made the Manager’s job much easier. Will Watts, who is still paying £65 a month to Cirencester RUFC after his alcohol and ketamine fuelled rampage 2 years ago, was still unavailable. The Flame refused to play after a midweek fall out with Albert. And Mark Beckett looks to be absent long term after his horror knee slide away at Middleton last week.

Finn Ward was available to play. This is the first time Finn has been seen (by anyone) since his 1 over of bowling against an inform Noah Kelly during last years Hospital Cup final. Proud Scotsman, Cam Anderson also made his Agnes debut.

The first half was pretty terrible and it looked like an obvious 3rd defeat in a row was on the cards. This was until Ben Traves took 4 wickets in his spell. The job still wasn’t done there though. Jordans Zamunda and Sam Wragg kept it very tight which left it for Marley Ward to bowl the final over. With 10 to win, Marley (with a tummy full of Candy Chops) conceded 4 runs and took 3 wickets. This added to the catalogue of final over thrillers against DRUFCC.

Port moment – shared between Ben Traves, Zamunda and Marley (lol @ Wraggy). A very good debut from Cam Anderson behind the stumps too.

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RBACC 75-8 lost to Middleton 102-7

This week saw the 10 men of Agnes travel to Middleton CC for the second league game of the 2024 campaign. It was a tough selection with most of the squad unavailable. Ollie Beckett was having staff training at Jet2. Ollie was learning how to hand out cans of pop and peanuts at the same time to increase efficiency.

Richard Watts, still desperate to discipline his problem child, has upgraded Will’s package at his behaviour/weight loss camp. Will now has zero minutes of screen time per day, he prays 3 times a day and trains naked (outdoors) 3 x per day. Richard will continue to throw money at this problem until it is fixed.

The Skipper deemed himself unavailable but was controversially seen driving to Beeford Cricket Club in his whites … hmmm.

Charlie Watts was at a darts competition in Driffield and Sam Appleton continued to treat the Agnes like his side chick, sending the odd text message when he was horny but never fully committing.

The Cricket –

The Flame returned having spent the winter sitting in his boxer shorts, eating Pot Noodles, sipping on flat Pepsi and being a keyboard warrior in the spare room of his mum’s house. Flame had the standout figures of 3-19 from his 4 overs. All the RBA men bowled well and were backed up well in the field. A special mention to Mark Beckett who dived at full stretch and nearly dislocated his knee which got stuck in the ground.

In reply, it started terrible with the MBP being dismissed in the 2nd over. Sam Wragg looked like he was guiding Agnes to victory when he sailed to a run a ball 48. But it wasn’t to be. Onwards and upwards.

Port moment – Sam Wragg for making batting look easy.

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Royal Burton Agnes 93-5 lost to North Dalton Cake Makers 103-3

It has been another busy winter for the Agnes management. On the business front, Agnes still have the 115 financial fair play charges looming over them, this still hasn’t stopped the Manager buying a 25% share in the Bridlington Evening League. More business news – This winter, the Manager was desperate to sign Scarborough’s Sri Lankan overseas professional. However, with a 12-point deduction threatened by Norman Lowery, it meant that Agnes had to make do with signing ex-Flamborough journeyman, Ben Traves.

It has been a chaotic winter for former number one player, Louis Beckett. Whilst on a work experience placement from his BTEC course in the States. Louis managed to drive a ship into the Baltimore Bridge.

Richard Watts, desperate to discipline his problem child Will has paid for Will to attend a strict weight loss/behaviour camp. Will works out naked twice a day and in-between workouts he reads the Qur’an.

The Skippers hairline has transitioned further away from Tristain Tate and is now much closer to Andrew Tate.

And finally, Fred Langton has spent the winter hatching chicks and posting about it on social media. Fred’s laptop was seized by the police last week.

To the cricket:

First game of the season which is always a lottery. Dalton probably scored 15/20 over par. Agnes fell a respectful 10 runs short. It was a vital lesson in seeing how unfit we all were. The skipper is currently in a hospital bed nursing his knees and ankles and Freddie Gunning is considering visiting Planet Snax less.

Port moment – Ben Traves for an Agnes debut.

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