Agnes travelled to Duke’s Park to take part in their 6^th cup final since their last cup success back in 2016 when we defended 95 runs to defeat a peak Brandesburton team.

8 years on and the team was much different. The Flame was dropped after still refusing to apologise for the tweets he released about the Manager. Mark Beckett was visiting former golden boy Louis Beckett in the States and neither of the Nesfield’s have been seen for the last 6 years.

To the game – Agnes lost the toss and were asked to bat. Cam Anderson added to his legacy with 66. MBP 30, Ollie Beckett and Will Watts both crashed sixes at the end and FastFreddie Gunning scored 17 off 7 balls at the end. This was probably 20 above par and was a very good effort.

The bowling display was equally impressive. Ben Traves took 4 wickets to take the leading wicket taker by one wicket. Sam Wragg bowled very well. Then Marley and Charlie Colley were too much for the Middleton tail.

Man of the match went to Cam Anderson. Cam has now equalled Louis Beckett’s record of 8 man of the matches in one season.

Port moment – FastFreddie for his 4 catches and runs.

It felt good to finally taste success again in a cup final. After the game, beers were drunk in the GOAT and then curry was eaten @ Spice 4 U which was kindly sponsored by BMA. Fred Langton behaved like Fred Langton whilst the Manager celebrated in Italy. The Skipper celebrated on his tractor and Jordan Zamunda’s family had another wild street party in the streets of Harare.

To see a video of the future owner of BMA trying once again to swallow an egg whole, please see the video.

The final game of the season was held at Duke’s Park.

Unfortunately, Agnes lost the toss which meant they had to field. Ben Traves and Marely Ward, both bowled like men who were desperate to be leading wicket taker. Ben now has 16 wickets and Marley has 17. Grindale posted a score thanks to 77 from Jordan Baker.

Agnes knocked off the runs easily. Will Watts hit a booming six and Finn Ward batted as well as ever.

All eyes now turn to the Hospital Cup final. Like Erik ten Hag, can the Manager save his job with a trophy after another league campaign with no silverware? The dressing room is evidently split with some players enjoying his management style and others, like Ben Brown, who are publicly calling for a change in leadership.

Port Moment – Finn Ward’s all-round display.

Next and final game – Hospital Cup Final.

Agnes welcomed league leaders Driffield Rec.   

Sam Wragg and Fast Freddie were at a wedding in Warsaw. Glen Quagmire Dodds arrived and was sledged by Dan Fryer for last week’s run out. Glen said he wasn’t taking the abuse from Dan. Glen packed his bags and left.

Agnes got off to a brilliant start from Cam Anderson and Charlie Watts. Car Destroyer Ollie Beckett whacked some big sixes. Agnes then collapsed, losing the MBG, Marley Ward and Ben Traves in 5 balls. After batting on it, the MBP said 80 was a good score. Finn and the Flame must’ve been listening as they both knocked it around for 3 overs to see us to 80.

The reply started well for Driffield. They were soon 20-0 off 2 overs. Ben Traves then started the collapse with a Cam Anderson catch. Agnes had to field well to defend such a score and luckily, they did. Charlie Watts took the big wicket of Jack Oakley and (obviously) the Flame took the biggest wicket of Owen Goldsworthy thanks to a Will Watts catch – Will was unable to move in the field due to “injury” –  when the game got tight, his injury magically disappeared though.

Marely Ward had 8 runs to defend in the final over. Marley conceded 5 runs and got 2 wickets. This was a brilliant win that guaranteed 3^rd place.

Port Moment – Charlie Watts all round display.

Stats – Marley Ward and Ben Traves both have 15 wickets for the season with 2 games to play. Will Marley make it 3 years leading wicket taker in a row? Or will the trophy have the name ‘Ben’ engraved on it again?

Agnes travelled to Wetwang on a smoking hot Thursday evening. As every year passes on the travels to Wetwang, the cabin to get changed in gets worse, the outfield gets rougher and the locals have a few more teeth missing.

Freddie Gunning was still nursing a hangover after having 14 (true) Jager bombs after England’s defeat on Sunday night and the Flame was donating a kidney to his much uglier twin brother, Ken Brown.

All the Agnes bowlers bowled well.

The reply started steady (yawn). Marley Ward then grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck and guided Agnes to within 3 runs of victory.

This was a regulation victory until Glen Quagmire Dodds tapped an easy single. Marley decided he would keep the strike. We aren’t saying Glen turned slowly, however, Glen began the single and was clean shaven, by the time he got back he had a full beard. Ben Traves said that he has seen milk turn into yoghurt quicker. Albert Boynton said that if we timed Glen’s attempt at getting back with a sundial then we would have run out of sunlight (Sorry Glen).

With Glen gone, it was left for Marley to see us home. After a week in Tenerife of extreme drug use, Marley did a Jonny Bairstow and walked out of his crease for absolutely no reason whatsoever. With 3 runs to win, it was left for Fred Langton to see us home. Fred Langton was inevitably bowled and with Dan Fryer walking out to partner Luke Burton, Sky Bet paid out early for a Wetwang victory.

With 2 runs to win, Dan Fryer ran a single …. With a guide dog by his side, Will Watts said that it wasn’t close enough to give on a night. With one run to win and Dan Fryer not knowing that it was the last over, Dan hit a ball and set off. Wetwang threw to the wrong end and Dan Fryer cost Sky Bet millions.

An infamous evening of village cricket.

The Royal Burton Agnes welcomed old rivals BABB to Victoria Fields on an overcast Thursday evening. A reminder – if Agnes had beaten BABB last summer (a team that did not include Dan Broumpton) then we would have won the league.

Charlie Watts was still visiting Harry Fenton at Wandsworth Prison. A frustrated Will Watts arrived and moaned that he isn’t allowed to shave his hair in his new line of work. And Ben Brown (or was it his twin brother, Ken Brown?) arrived at 7:15 and blamed the Withernsea to Agnes roads.

The game started well; Jordans Zamunda bowling as well as he ever has and the bookies favourite for leading wicket taker, Ben Traves, picked up a solitary wicket – which is one more wicket than what Marley Ward took.

The reply started with the MBP swinging from the hip before Cam Anderson continued his form to see us to an important victory. Frustrated at son Will’s poor work ethic, Richard Watts let out his frustration by screaming, “There’s two there!” or “You’ve got to run harder William Watts!” on all occasions.

Port moment – this easily could have gone to Jordans Zamunda but the stand in management team of Richard Watts and Mark Beckett decided to award it to Ben Brown for his guile and years of experience which was simply too much for this BABB team.

To see a video of how Richard Watts made Will Watts finally get a job, please see the video.

The Agnes hosted the unbeaten Flamborough Lighthouse Men in this years Hospital Cup semi-final.

We begin the report with the news that Little Richard was arrested on Sunday evening for keeping hostages in his basement. A gagged and handcuffed Ben Brown was found in there. Ben Brown’s much uglier twin brother Ken Brown was also discovered alongside him. Ben is suffering from extreme dehydration and this does explain his recent absences.

Charlie Watts was visiting Harry Fenton in Wandsworth Prison but apart from that, the Manager had a full squad to select from.

The Skipper returned and bowled his usual 5 overs for not many and picked up a few wickets. Ben Traves bowled well and then the two left arm spinners; Sadiq Ward and Charlie Colley squeezed the lower order.

In reply, Cam Anderson smashed Agnes to victory with another brutal display of hitting.

Port moment – this award should have gone to Cam Anderson. Mark and Ollie Beckett were however desperate to protect Louis Beckett’s 2018 record of 6 port moments in a season so they both controversially voted for themselves for showing up.

BABB @ Agnes on Thursday.

The Agnesmen travelled to Driffield Rec with the Manager once again having a thread bare team to select from.

Marley Ward was on a second date at another music festival.
Ben Brown has kept to his promise of being unavailable as long as Albert is involved with the club. Ollie Beckett played for Barmston last night and Mark Beckett continues to act like an absent father towards the younger members of the team.

Agnes got off to a flyer with 15 extras conceded before a run was scored off the bat. The MBP scored 29 and Wild Will Watts, fresh from his exclusion from weight loss and behaviour camp blasted 50 runs (Charlie Watts)

The DRUFCCS reply started terribly with Ben Traves taking 3 quick wickets. Unfortunately for the Agnes, James Pick remained in and scored quickly. Dropped catches (yes, we will name and shame) from the MBP, Charlie Watts, Jordans Zamunda and Ben Traves also didn’t help the cause.

Port moment went to Will Watts for his hitting.

After the game, in his customary manner, Richard Watts tried to kill himself by eating bowl after bowl of Full Measure curry.

A disgruntled Fin Ward, angry at his lack of bowling, went to Mario’s and ordered his usual; 6 chicken strips, large cheesy chips with a side of doner meat, all swilled down with 3 pots of garlic mayo. Fin made friends with the workforce and ended up giving some staff a lift back to Scarborough.

To see Finn giving the lads a lift back. Please see the link.

On another bright Thursday evening, the Agnes chaps hosted Middleton.

Many of the bowling attack were unavailable; Ben Traves was attending a dog walking class in Driffield. Twin brother Finn told us exclusively that Marley was on a first date at a music festival with a female. Ben Brown has now taken Will Watts place at the behaviour and weight loss camp. Will was removed forcefully from the camp for releasing a series of misogynistic and racist tweets regarding Eniola Aluko’s coverage of the Euros.  It also looks like Harry Fenton won’t be available for the foreseeable – in the early hours of Wednesday morning, wearing only chains and leather, Harry was caught up a tree peering into his neighbour’s bathroom window. Harry was arrested at the scene.

To the game. Sam Wragg got the team off to a flyer with 36, the middle order were positive, the MBP came in and hit a quick 28 at the end whilst Cam Anderson batted through for 66.

The bowling was equally brilliant. Sam Wragg and Jordans Zamunda started tightly before being replaced by Big Merv Quagmire-Dodds. Fred Gunning and Charlie Watts then bowled brilliantly to be too much for the batsmen. Charlie Watts taking 5-28.

With no longer having to pay for Will Watts behaviour camp, Richard Watts used his extra disposable income to pay for more pizzas which was greatly appreciated by the lads. Jordans Zamunda is currently nursing a huge cheese blister on his lip.

Port moment – Cam Anderson for his 66. To see how Marley Ward’s first moments of his date went. Please see the link

The Agnes won the toss on a glorious summers evening away at Beeford and elected to bat. With his new teeth glistening like a disco ball in the evening sun, Sam Moore said that he was opening the batting and he was going to finally earn that jacket. Sam Moore bludgeoned the ball in a truly enjoyable manner and raced to 65 runs. Sam exited the pitch to a standing ovation and received a very emotional hug from a tearful Manager.

Charlie Watts batted well and crouched and dipped his way to 36. Fred Gunning and the returning Skipper then both added a quick fire 27 runs each to see The Agnes post a very formidable 176 from their 18 overs.

In reply, The Skipper took two quick wickets to show everybody what we have been missing. Harvey Thompson then came on and took two wickets in two balls. The bowling was then shared between “Big Merv” Quagmire-Dodds and new Agnes man, Harry Fenton. Harry kept us all entertained by talking about his (sometimes inappropriate) fantasies that he has about his next door neighbour.

Port Moment – Sam Moore for his bullish and brilliant performance with the bat.

To see Sam’s emotional interview from after the game, please see the link.

On a Wednesday evening, due to the football, 11 Agnes men travelled to North Dalton for what is always an enjoyable away fixture.

Albert Boynton, worried that his natural instincts of snitching would kick in with the deadline for moving fixtures missed, meant that Albert (who spent his 20s working as a prison snitch in a Russian prison) wanted nothing to do with this fraudulence.

Charlie Colley made his Agnes debut. Charlie was bowled out from his first ball. Luckily it was a no ball. Charlie was then out the very next delivery.

Desperate to receive a jacket from the Manager, Sam Moore made his debut for the season. Sam was obviously Mr Nice Guy around all the new members. Sam made 11 runs. 31 short of his target of 42.

Agnes posted 125-7.

In reply, Ben Traves bowled tight. Marley Ward then completely out bowled Charlie Colley. The final bowler, Fred Gunning, sweated an incredible amount – this might have something to do with Fred starting the day with a McDonald’s breakfast, having a full English from the Boathouse café at 11 o’clock and a Subway in the afternoon. Fred was also late because he went to PlanetSnax for a milkshake for the drive there. Fred’s sweating and terrible wind are however nothing to do with his diet and are all due to his IBS.

Fred Langton donned the keeping gloves. Fred may have dropped their best player twice. Purists may say that Fred is too tall to be a keeper. Fred left Scarborough College with no formal qualifications. 

A great win.

Port moment – Marley Ward for out bowling Charlie Colley.

The Agnes travelled to Driffield Recreation Club for a rare league game. Last year, the Agnes arrived here and won to make it 7 wins from 7 league games.

There was worry amongst all of the players upon arrival. The Manager’s eye was severely injured. It was discovered that on Wednesday evening, the Manager had been playing pink eye down on the beach with Little Richard. The Manager’s eye is now in a worse condition than Mark Beckett’s after the 2021 night out. The Manager has said he is hoping to make a full recovery. Little Richard is now unfortunately registered blind.

To the game – Marley Ward dismissed Owen Goldsworthy in his first over with a ball that pitched on leg, spun past the forward defence and just removed the bail with a tickle of the off stump (it definitely wasn’t a full toss that was close to a no ball that Glen Quagmire Dodds caught above his head on the square leg boundary). Chris Hogg-Woodmansey and Jack Oakley then begun to hit the Agnes men all over Kingsmill Road.

The Agnes reply never really got going. Charlie Watts hit a few sixes from his infamous crouched stance and Ben Traves hit a six onto the pavilion roof. All in all, we were comprehensibly beaten.

Port Moment – a one eyed Manager awarded it to Sam Wragg for his tight bowling.
After the game, the Ward brothers responded to the loss in the only way they knew. They both ordered a large cheesy chips with 12 strips of chicken and both ordered double (yes double) garlic mayo to help swill it down.

The Agnes welcomed loyal friends DRUFCCC to Victoria Fields. Games against the farm lads are usually thrillers and also played in good spirits and somehow to everyone’s surprise at the half way point, this game turned out to be a thriller too.

Agnes had a larger squad to pick from this week which made the Manager’s job much easier. Will Watts, who is still paying £65 a month to Cirencester RUFC after his alcohol and ketamine fuelled rampage 2 years ago, was still unavailable. The Flame refused to play after a midweek fall out with Albert. And Mark Beckett looks to be absent long term after his horror knee slide away at Middleton last week.

Finn Ward was available to play. This is the first time Finn has been seen (by anyone) since his 1 over of bowling against an inform Noah Kelly during last years Hospital Cup final. Proud Scotsman, Cam Anderson also made his Agnes debut.

The first half was pretty terrible and it looked like an obvious 3rd defeat in a row was on the cards. This was until Ben Traves took 4 wickets in his spell. The job still wasn’t done there though. Jordans Zamunda and Sam Wragg kept it very tight which left it for Marley Ward to bowl the final over. With 10 to win, Marley (with a tummy full of Candy Chops) conceded 4 runs and took 3 wickets. This added to the catalogue of final over thrillers against DRUFCC.

Port moment – shared between Ben Traves, Zamunda and Marley (lol @ Wraggy). A very good debut from Cam Anderson behind the stumps too.

This week saw the 10 men of Agnes travel to Middleton CC for the second league game of the 2024 campaign. It was a tough selection with most of the squad unavailable. Ollie Beckett was having staff training at Jet2. Ollie was learning how to hand out cans of pop and peanuts at the same time to increase efficiency.

Richard Watts, still desperate to discipline his problem child, has upgraded Will’s package at his behaviour/weight loss camp. Will now has zero minutes of screen time per day, he prays 3 times a day and trains naked (outdoors) 3 x per day. Richard will continue to throw money at this problem until it is fixed.

The Skipper deemed himself unavailable but was controversially seen driving to Beeford Cricket Club in his whites … hmmm.

Charlie Watts was at a darts competition in Driffield and Sam Appleton continued to treat the Agnes like his side chick, sending the odd text message when he was horny but never fully committing.

The Cricket –

The Flame returned having spent the winter sitting in his boxer shorts, eating Pot Noodles, sipping on flat Pepsi and being a keyboard warrior in the spare room of his mum’s house. Flame had the standout figures of 3-19 from his 4 overs. All the RBA men bowled well and were backed up well in the field. A special mention to Mark Beckett who dived at full stretch and nearly dislocated his knee which got stuck in the ground.

In reply, it started terrible with the MBP being dismissed in the 2nd over. Sam Wragg looked like he was guiding Agnes to victory when he sailed to a run a ball 48. But it wasn’t to be. Onwards and upwards.

Port moment – Sam Wragg for making batting look easy.