Agnes travelled to Brandesburton knowing that a final victory would crown Agnes as league champions. A victory would also ease the pain from the previous two final losses.
Agnes lost the toss and bowled first. Agnes dropped the two openers and were made to pay; Both batsmen hitting impressive 50s.
Agnes pulled it back at the end and were set 163 to win. The Agnes innings never really got going, as regular wickets fell. A late cameo from the Skipper and Sam Moore were the only real highlights.
This loss will go down in Agnes folklore as a terrible trilogy of losses. And like all good losses, fingers were pointed in all directions at who to blame.
The 3 Watts left the ground and headed directly to Cirencester RUFC and as a team, demolished the newly fitted toilets. After the event, an exhausted Richard Watts said he was now proud of his boys.
Mark and Ollie Beckett drove straight to New Inn. There is now a video doing the rounds of Mark and Ollie burning their Agnes shirt in the toilets.
Tom Norman and The Manager exchanged very unsavoury WhatsApp messages regarding Tom’s availability.
The two Langton’s drove home in a good mood as they both thought we had won the league.
And the worst blow up has to be from Marley Ward who left the ground with steam coming out of his ears. Marley heavily vandalised the Eastfield Travelodge with a mini-digger that he stole from a nearby building site. To see the video of Marley destroying the Travelodge (filmed by brother Fin), please watch the attached video.
With a defeat, a rained off and a player missing since last Friday night (Flame), this final game of the series was vitally important.
With such importance on this game, a selection meeting was held at t’Manor to select the final eleven. With no one having seen Matt Anfield bowl, we had to take the Manager’s word that he is the best of his grandsons – with such a low benchmark set by his other grandsons, this however really didn’t clarify anything.
Casey Rudd was selected but was then mystifyingly dropped on the morning of the game for Finn Ward. Later that morning, Finn Ward and his dad were seen laying a patio for the Manager at his sea view property.
Agnes batted first. Will Watts hit a six but The Agnes men struggled to cut lose amidst some tight bowling and fielding. Ollie ‘The Car Destroyer’ Beckett then hit a quickfire 27 from 10 balls and was supported well by the forever stoned Freddie Gunning to see Agnes post a decent 118.
The first ten overs of the Driffield reply saw them not hit a single boundary. If the Agnes could have had a slice of luck around the ten over mark, then it could have gone another way. However, the impressive Jack Oakley and Noah Kelly guided Driffield to victory.
Port moment was awarded to Ollie Beckett for clubbing some beautiful sixes. Matt Anfield also got a special mention for travelling all the way from Liverpool for the fixture. This is the first time a scouser has been in the Agnes dressing room; regrettably, Sam Wragg and the Skipper said their iPhones were stolen. Fred Langton later reported that his car radio and catalytic converter were also missing.
The Agnes travelled to Dukes Park for the first game in the tri-series against Driffield. A series that will define the 2023 season.
With rain in the air, Agnes lost the toss and were sent in to bat. The MBP scored 46 and was supported by Will Watts who clubbed some testosterone fuelled sixes. Agnes set Driffield 108 to win. On such a wet and dark night, this wasn’t going to be an easy chase.
Agnes begun the reply well with Marley Ward and the Skipper bowling well. With 4 overs to go, it was advantage Agnes. With the game on a knife edge, a young Driffield batsmen hit two sixes and then edged two fours to steal a victory for the Woldsmen.
Jordans Zamunda, cheered on by his family’s workforce back in Harare, took impressive figures of 4-20.
This was a painful loss. A loss the Agnes men didn’t take well. Freddie Gunning stayed up until 8am watching Monsters Inc and was heavily under the influence of the devil’s grass. The Skipper, who lost his 100% winning record, tied The Flame up in the back of his car and drove it off the Humber Bridge with a terrified and screaming Flame in the boot. And Charlie Watts, alongside Little Richard paid for a dangerous amount of cocaine using a Watts business card.
The Agnes travelled to Rudston and were met with a blanket of rain, thick cloud and the prospect of any cricket looked slim. Still suffering emotional damage after last week’s port moment fiasco, Sam Moore refused to travel. Former social secretary, Mark Beckett, refused to play alongside Charlie Watts, who is yet to organise a social event or provide the bucket hats he promised. And with Sam Appleton having some Chris Gayle inspired veneers implanted, it allowed a space for Frank Brewis to make his season debut.
Before the game there was plenty of drama; The Flame refused to leave his car, instead choosing to listen to heavy metal. Will Watts admitted to heavy steroid use and unfortunately, Fred Langton was arrested for once again taking pictures of child’s toilets.
The game then started well, Agnes hitting the first over for 17.
Agnes settled on a very healthy 158, mostly down to the MBPs 98 or 102 depending on when the book was counted.
In reply, the Flame and the Skipper put their combined years of experience to good use. The overs were then shared out with Marley Ward taking the most wickets (2). This win further extending the Skippers 100%-win rate.
After the game, toad-in-the-hole was served which vindicated Fred Bradley’s decision to ditch the Agnes.
Port moment was shared between the Flame’s horrendous jib, which saw him step backwards over the boundary and a Rudston man for running head first through a thorn hedge.
Alarmingly, some of the Agnes chaps witnessed a drug deal near the food serving hatch when leaving. To see Freddie Gunning’s reaction to the deal, please watch the video.
The Agnes had their second game of the week against the same opposition – this was a challenge for the players but also for Dalton scorer, Mary. Using her own money, Mary paid for a Tourette’s assessor to observe Richard Watts whilst he scored.
The game begun well; The Skipper and The Flame tying Dalton in knots and taking the first 5 wickets between them. The momentum then swung back to Dalton when the Ward’s were introduced. The lower order of Dalton hitting the pair all around Victoria Fields. ND ended on an above par 139. This could have been worse if it wasn’t for an excellent fielding display.
The reply started badly. The MBP and Freddie Gunning were soon dismissed and at the 11 over mark the game was lost. However, 38 from 24 from Sam Wragg and 27 from 14 from Sam Moore suddenly brought the game back to life.
With 18 needed from the final over, it was left for pantomime villain, Simon Walgate to try and defend the total. With Louis Beckett watching on via FaceTime, Moore hit his first two balls for a six and then a four. Richard Watts Tourette’s then kicked in. With the ball in the wicket keepers hand, Richard blurted out one of his usual tics of, “There’s two there boys, f*cking run!” Will Watts listened and Moore was run out. Marley Ward, then as cool as you like came to the crease and clipped two of his legs to steal another victory for Agnes from the jaws of defeat. And like all good pantomime villains, Simon Walgate was defeated at the end. The victory also saw the Skippers 100%-win rate continue.
Port Moment was awarded to Will Watts for his 51. Sam Moore was so cheesed off he didn’t get the award after his batting and fielding display, he decided to leave without shaking the Managers hand. To see what Sam Moore emptied from his pockets when he got home, please see the picture.
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Last season, The Agnes had a semi-final at Dalton and took with them the only 11 players who were available. This game saw Agnes have everyone available and even saw every fan watching on the side-line. The Manager consequently had the tough job of dropping Fin Ward. Fin didn’t take this well; Fin has burnt his Agnes shirt and also sent an alcohol and cocaine fuelled voice message to the Manager that we are sure he will later regret.
Sam Appleton returned; Sam Looked like a mixture of Tom Hanks from Castaway and Chris Gayle. What we do know is, he looked beautiful.
Agnes won the toss and batted. MBP hitting 63 and Freddie Gunning hitting 61. Agnes posted an above par 155.
With rain in the air, Dalton easily could have refused to go out but they are now in the Agnes good books. The Flame had a point to prove after last week’s scathing match report. And Flame, back bowling alongside the Skipper, answered every one of his critics. Firstly, removing both Drury’s and then removing Agnes pantomime villain, Simon Walgate, with an unplayable delivery. Agnes won to book themselves into their second final of the season. Manager Pep Jackson said he is excited for the weeks ahead.
Port moment was discussed whilst having the after game meal, which was like the Pipe and Glass meal if it was ordered from Wish.com. The award was a toss-up between Glen Quagmire Dodd’s umpiring decision and Flame’s bowling but it then rather unexpectedly settled on Simon Walgate for his bowling display.
Agnes travelled to play at Driff Rec. The Watts returned alongside the Skipper and left-wing activist Sam Moore to lift the team after last week’s drubbing at home to Flamborough.
The Flame was dropped after last week’s performance and Jordans Zamunda was made unavailable after Norman Lawry was made aware of some racially offensive tweets that Zamunda sent back in 2012.
*WARNING – True Story* Fred Langton, who declared himself unavailable, was seen chauffeuring a young 15-year-old male to the prom in his dads Aston Martin. Fred was arrested at the scene and his phone was instantly seized. This sort of behaviour will not bode well for Fred at the end of year court session.
Agnes won the toss and batted first. Freddie Gunning hitting 46 and the MBP hitting 49 helped Agnes post what would normally be a below par 135. However, the ball the Rugby Club used meant this was possibly just over par.
It was then time for the Skipper to return. Would he crumble like the Flame last week without his opening partner at the other end? Absolutely not. The Skipper then caught danger man James Pick with a delightful one hander. Finn and Marley Ward then spun a web to claim the last 7 wickets between them.
Port moment was awarded to the Skipper for his catch. The players were then served up what can only be described as pig swill in the Full Measure afterwards. The pig swill did however give a telling insight to the food served at the Watts house. Both Watts boys went back for seconds and Richard Watts went back for 4ths and then 5ths.
To see contrasting images of Richard Watts from this week, please see the attached images. Richard can be seen boarding a private jet on Monday and on Thursday eating butcher floor sweepings.
After last week’s heroics with a thread bare team, the Agnes were hoping for a similar ending this week with yet more absentees. The Manager was in the committee’s bad books after taking himself, 2 Watts and a scorer on a type of holiday that makes left wing activist, Sam Moore’s toes curl up. In what has never been seen before, the Manager will be thrown before an elite committee to decide his sentence.
The Skipper joined brother Tom on a WhatsApp behaviour course at Carnaby College. And Sam Appleton continued to break our hearts. With Charlie Watts away, Chopper was suddenly available and showed no signs of his magic sore shoulder that’s seen him side-lined recently.
More good news was that the Flame returned from a week in ‘Spain’ (a caravan named Spain overlooking Withernsea Bay) to lead the attack. However, we soon learnt that the Flame without the Skipper at the other end is like Appy without a Stella, Stan Fryer without his perm or Judge McGivern without his high prices for a fresh orange and lemonade.
Flamborough ended on a decent 120 after some healthy clubbing. The Agnes reply was extremely weak. Only the Flame showing a glimmer of resistance. The only positives on this doomed evening was the fielding of Fred Langton. Fred does have incurable and life threatening herpes from his time away in Asia, but it has improved his fielding.
The only other positive of the evening was the pizza after the game. With so many absentees and Glen Quagmire Dodds, Flame and an angry Albert not returning, it lead to very healthy pizza scenes.
11, yes 11 men were either sick, lame or lazy this week so the Agnes took to the field with a thread bare 11 men. Mark Beckett’s midlife crisis is showing no sign of easing with Mark playing golf once again during the height of summer – these are words we never thought we would have to type. Local business man, Richard Watts was on a submarine tour of the River Humber. The tour did however have to be cut short due to Richard’s terrible wind.
The Middleton men begun in rampant style, even the Goat saw his deliveries flying to the boundary. Fortunately, Agnes picked up regular wickets to slow down the Middleton onslaught. The game then took a major turn when the Goat caught a one handed diving catch at long on to remove the Middleton danger man.
The reply then started shakily for The Agnes; Marley Ward was dismissed and the MBP was soon following him. Will Watts and the 35-year-old, 17-year-old Freddie Gunning consolidated well. It did look like they had left too much to do and the Agnes would be collecting their second loss of the season. This was until the 15th over when both batsmen threw caution to the wind and started scoring regular boundaries. Will Watts was then replaced by brother Charlie who hit his first ball for four to continue the carnage.
Freddie Gunning hit a straight four to steal victory from the jaws of defeat, he also stole the port moment from the Skipper’s hands with his knock.
In the words of the Manger, this was a true Agnes win.
The Agnes Chaps travelled to Sewerby to play Barmston in the Hospital Cup quarter final. With no one really knowing what Barmston would be like, The Manager was forced to select a strong side.
With Tom Norman still banned and having to attend a WhatsApp behaviour course and Sam Wragg at a Ted lookalike convention in Birmingham, it meant that Marley Ward opened the batting with the MBP.
Freddie Gunning soon joined the MBP at the crease and it begun what turned out to be a rollercoaster of emotions for this young alpha male. Fred hit some lovely boundaries but was also hit extremely hard in his Cory – Fred was hit so hard that he had to retire hurt. Fred was then unfortunately chemically castrated by Mark Beckett in the changing room.
Agnes posted a healthy 147, which was an even greater effort when we saw the state of the ball used by Barmston.
The Goat and Flame then returned and restored normality after last week’s chaos. The Skipper picking up a classy 3-16 from his 5 overs. The Agnes ran to victory quite easily to book themselves into the semi-final. Port moment was awarded to ‘velcro hands’ Finn Ward for a wonder catch from his brother’s bowling.
The rollercoaster of emotions continued afterwards for young Freddie Gunning. Proud as punch and full of confidence, he brought along the new apprentice scorer to the bar afterwards. We do however regret to inform you that Fred was arrested on his walk home and is still in Hull prison. Fred blamed Stan fryer for his actions. The Agnes committee will have a meeting to discuss Fred and Stan’s behaviour.
To see the video of Freddie Gunning’s arrest, please watch the video.
It’s probably best to not say too much about this game and to draw a line under it. But it’s always fun to try and find blame somewhere. Do we blame Will for winning the toss and bowling? Do we blame Marley and Finn for still being at Scarborough McDonald’s at 6:30? Do we blame Jordans Zamunda for taking an international call at Driffield Post Office and arriving ten overs in? Do we blame it on the returning Will Watts, Ollie Becketts and Tom FraMiddleton? Or is it Stan Fryer’s fault for stopping the first shot of the game (a very hard pulled Brummie sweep) with his sternum?
What we did learn is that the 2 Goats – Flame and the Skipper have become irreplaceable like Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad.
A quick reflection, Brummie did what Brummie does and tw*tt*d 82. BABB batted better than the Agnes, bowled better than the Agnes and fielded better than the Agnes.
Port moment was awarded to Dan Broumpton by The Manager for his innings.
The Agnes travelled to high flying Driff Rec. With both teams currently on 6 wins from 6, this was going to be a top of the table encounter. The last time these teams met, was last year’s painful Hospital Cup defeat – a game when Driffield put 9 men on the boundary in the run chase (yes, I mentioned this in the first paragraph).
Agnes begun well with Sam Wragg crashing a few boundaries. The Agnes then consolidated with the MBP and Freddie Gunning. It was around the 12 over mark when the MBP hit 3 sixes that Agnes began to build a healthy score. Freddie Gunning ending on 57 and Will on 86.
It was then time for the Agnes to bowl tight – the Skipper soon had Owen Goldsworthy caught at long on, much to his displeasure. The Flame then removed the other danger man, Jack Oakley with a Jordans Zamunda wonder catch. The catch sparked wild scenes around the portable radio back home from his family’s work force. The Manager has also reportedly watched the catch back 50 times on his HD cinema screen in Italy. The game however wasn’t over with Tot Ritchie scoring a fighting half century. Luckily for the Agnes, regular wickets continued to fall.
This was another win for the Agnes in a game played in bad spirits. Next time, the Driffield captain can set his own fields and decide who bowls for the Agnes.
We do regret to inform you that Richard Watts had a very bad reaction to the 8 bowls of stew that he consumed at the Full Measure afterwards. Richard had two seizures in the night and is currently on life support. Freddie Gunning also spent the night in a cell after being arrested outside Candy Kingdom, whilst dressed up as Peppa Pig, in the early hours of the morning.
On a cold gloomy night, the Agnes welcomed local rivals Rudston. Fred Langton was unavailable; Fred’s family released a statement saying, what he has been involved in was not wise, but wasn’t illegal. Little Richard arrived with what looked like his brother but was later discovered to be his 7 year old son. The team agreed to watch their language in the presence of a youngster – only for Richard Watts to serve a volley of expletives when he made a scoring error. And finally, Sam Appleton arrived with an established cricketing friend, who ended up playing for the opposition. Judge McGivern will be called up to decide Sam’s punishment.
This was another win for the Agnes Chaps. Sam Moore top scoring with 29 and Appy taking 2-25
The Agnes travelled to North Dalton for what is always an eventful evening. Who can forget last year’s Hospital Cup heroics? Or the time Sam Moore brought along his overweight Labrador that was too lazy to walk.
With the Manager once again scrapping for players at the last minute, it was time for Appy to step in, the Ice Man Glen Quagmire Dodds returned and Tom Norman wrote himself into Agnes folklore by travelling from southern Lincolnshire.
Agnes began well with Wraggy and Marley Ward getting the scorecard moving. Young Gunning and Tom then helped Agnes to post a par score of 125.
At the half way point, it was extreme high tension for the non-travelling support. Richard Watts was listening in an old lorry that had long wave. The MBP was listening nervously on his alarm clock radio from his down stairs toilet and Chopper found an old radio and listened uneasily from his caravan. At 60-1, this was Dalton’s game to lose. The game was then sparked into controversy with the Boris Johnson of the Bridlington Evening League, Breiviks Walgate unsurprisingly at the centre of the storm. Jordans Zamunda took a regulation caught and bowled which Breiviks bewilderingly refused to walked for. This exploded the game into life. With the game on a knife’s edge, Tom Norman then got a direct hit and Appy bowled a double wicket maiden to seal the victory for the Agnes Men. Jim Walgate was seen slamming his Defender door and driving off at high speed. There were also wild scenes from the downstairs toilet, lorry and caravan.
Port moment was awarded to the travelling Tom Norman for his direct hit.
In an exclusive after game interview, North Dalton chairman and brother of the guilty Breiviks Walgate, Ivan Toney Mole said that “Simon is as popular as Phil Schofield in that changing room at the moment. We’ll reflect on his actions and see what direction we take as a punishment”
Trying to pick two teams in one week is always a tricky task for The Manager – especially when the Agnes Men have some terrible excuses up their sleeve. Marley Ward was having his gastric sleeve tightened at the Ganton Gastric Sleeve Unit. Brother Finn had to be there on standby in case one of Marley’s kidneys gave way. Ollie Beckett was on a double trolley shift at Reading Morrison’s and the worst excuse of all has to be for club committee member, Mark Beckett. Disgruntled father, Big Mel from Cas disclosed that Mark was at home cleaning his caravan. An emergency cobra meeting will be held between the Manager, The Skipper, Watty and Bobble with Judge McGivern chairing the meeting, to decide Chopper’s fate.
With a depleted squad and Sam Moore running late, the ten men of Agnes took to the field. Middleton were soon 60-0 off 5 overs. Debutant Freddie Gunning caught an excellent catch to slow down the Middleton men, but the Agnes Men then began to drop catch after catch (5 in total). At one point it was looking like Middleton would score 200. Jordans Zamunda and Charlie Watts managed to restore some order – Charlie Watts having 4 catches dropped off him (lol).
The Agnes reply started well. The MBP and Wraggy got the ball rolling. Freddie Gunning then stroked his way to 42 before handing the baton to an angry and very late Sam Moore who came in, wearing his dad’s shirt that Sam was actually conceived in, and pumped the ball to all parts, ending on a brilliant 32 not out. Agnes actually made the chase look quite straight forward which is testament to how good Albert’s new wicket is.
Port moment was awarded to Freddie Gunning for an outstanding debut.
Games against the travelling DRUFCCC are always classics, and on this hazy Thursday evening it was no different.
Louis Beckett is now back in the States after experiencing homesickness whilst being back in Bridlington. Ollie Beckett is still pushing trollies at the Reading Morrison’s and Little Richard listened to the game on a portable radio – that he smuggled into his basement in his rectum – whilst his mouth was gagged and his hands were handcuffed behind his back.
Both teams entered the game on a high; Agnes after their 2 league wins and DRUFCCC after their Twickenham heroics. The game started with the Skipper rolling back the years and taking impressive figures of 4 overs, 3 wickets for a miserly 6 runs. The game then swung dramatically towards DRUFCCC with Australian Craig Gray hitting an impressive 61 not out.
Agnes got off to a cautious start owing to some tight bowling from the DRUFCC men. At the half way point, it was looking like Agnes were heading for a defeat. The MBP then went through the gears, every boundary that he hit, Little Richard was punched in the face by his abuser. The MBP eventually helped Agnes steal a victory from the jaws of defeat in a dramatic final ball victory.
Both teams headed back t’Manor for piping hot pizza. Albert Boynton sipped the port and smiled like a Cheshire Cat, knowing that his wicket is now the best in the local villages. Port moment was awarded to the MBP and the skipper watched his beloved Magpies seal a victory alongside his Geordie idol, Matthew Jenkinson.
We do regret to inform you that ‘Fire’, the DRUFCC whipping boy (who was blamed for the loss) was found dead in a slurry channel on the Megginson’s farm this morning. Both Will Megginson and Jack Sowersby are currently being held at Beverley Police Station.
Ask the Manager what his favourite game of the season is and he will answer with the South Dalton trip. Ask Watty, Chopper and the Skipper and they will all answer Flamborough away.
Ben Brown was available after positive discussions were held with his union leader, Stoz. The Flame is currently available for all away games. A deal still hasn’t been reached regarding home games with the new wicket being laid.
The game begun in pure farce, the Agnes taking 12 men onto the field. It was decided that Harvey was the guilty party in not reading the Manager’s text message. Under intense sunlight and heat, the Lighthousemen got off to a flyer with boundaries coming at regular intervals. The returning Flame then grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck and simply toyed with the opposition and taking a career best 6 for 10.
Games at Flamborough always have drama and when Agnes walked out to bat it was under an extreme sea fret; the church bells rang repeatedly and Charlie Watts said that his Rolex stopped working. Suddenly, 70 off 16 overs looked like an enormous score. Some said it was the curse of Pedro and who were we to disagree with them?
Agnes got home in the last over thanks to the recently snared Khan Ward holding his nerve. The MBP scoring 31 not out.
After the game, it saw the Agnes get a hot tattie and curry which was lovely to see. Mark and Louis Beckett then snuck off into Bridlington to have some cheeky drinks before Little Louis from North Carolina flew back to the States. Things got a little out of hand. Attached is a picture of Little Louis trying to frantically withdraw some money before boarding his plane this morning.
The Bridlington Evening League returned on a typical spring evening. There was a cold tinge in the air and the smell of Stoz’s mums coal fire lingered amongst the incoming fog.
It has been a busy winter for many of the Agnes men; Louis Beckett, sick of living in his brother’s shadow has decided to move to the USA. Louis did return to England play and he was expecting a hero’s welcome from his family. Awkwardly, they were however all at the beach looking at the washed up Whale upon his homecoming. Like how girls turn to Only Fans, Will Watts has turned to the boxing ring this winter to try and make some money. And Marley Ward and the MBP have had gastric sleeves fitted which were kindly donated by The Manager.
Agnes lost the toss and it was last year’s leading wicket taker, Khan Ward and last year’s leading bowler, the skipper who began proceedings. Both bowled tight. The Skipper creating the bulk of chances. These two were backed up well by Jordans Zamunda, Louis Beckett from Pittsburgh and a very angry Fin Ward. Every wicket Fin took he pointed aggressively at the manager to prove how mad he was at not being included in the starting 11.
Agnes knocked off the runs thanks to 53 from the MBP and some handy hitting from Louis Beckett from Pittsburgh and Charlie CC Watts.
Port moment was simple decision for the management. It went to Albert Boynton for his hours spent completely transforming the wicket into a batsmen’s paradise. This has come at the cost of club stalwart, Ben Brown, who has regrettably walked away from the club. This is a decision the management are comfortable with.