The Agnes had their second game of the week against the same opposition – this was a challenge for the players but also for Dalton scorer, Mary. Using her own money, Mary paid for a Tourette’s assessor to observe Richard Watts whilst he scored.

The game begun well; The Skipper and The Flame tying Dalton in knots and taking the first 5 wickets between them. The momentum then swung back to Dalton when the Ward’s were introduced. The lower order of Dalton hitting the pair all around Victoria Fields. ND ended on an above par 139. This could have been worse if it wasn’t for an excellent fielding display.

The reply started badly. The MBP and Freddie Gunning were soon dismissed and at the 11 over mark the game was lost. However, 38 from 24 from Sam Wragg and 27 from 14 from Sam Moore suddenly brought the game back to life.

With 18 needed from the final over, it was left for pantomime villain, Simon Walgate to try and defend the total. With Louis Beckett watching on via FaceTime, Moore hit his first two balls for a six and then a four. Richard Watts Tourette’s then kicked in. With the ball in the wicket keepers hand, Richard blurted out one of his usual tics of, “There’s two there boys, f*cking run!” Will Watts listened and Moore was run out. Marley Ward, then as cool as you like came to the crease and clipped two of his legs to steal another victory for Agnes from the jaws of defeat. And like all good pantomime villains, Simon Walgate was defeated at the end. The victory also saw the Skippers 100%-win rate continue.

Port Moment was awarded to Will Watts for his 51. Sam Moore was so cheesed off he didn’t get the award after his batting and fielding display, he decided to leave without shaking the Managers hand. To see what Sam Moore emptied from his pockets when he got home, please see the picture.

Last season, The Agnes had a semi-final at Dalton and took with them the only 11 players who were available. This game saw Agnes have everyone available and even saw every fan watching on the side-line. The Manager consequently had the tough job of dropping Fin Ward. Fin didn’t take this well; Fin has burnt his Agnes shirt and also sent an alcohol and cocaine fuelled voice message to the Manager that we are sure he will later regret.

Sam Appleton returned; Sam Looked like a mixture of Tom Hanks from Castaway and Chris Gayle. What we do know is, he looked beautiful.

Agnes won the toss and batted. MBP hitting 63 and Freddie Gunning hitting 61. Agnes posted an above par 155.

With rain in the air, Dalton easily could have refused to go out but they are now in the Agnes good books. The Flame had a point to prove after last week’s scathing match report. And Flame, back bowling alongside the Skipper, answered every one of his critics. Firstly, removing both Drury’s and then removing Agnes pantomime villain, Simon Walgate, with an unplayable delivery. Agnes won to book themselves into their second final of the season. Manager Pep Jackson said he is excited for the weeks ahead.

Port moment was discussed whilst having the after game meal, which was like the Pipe and Glass meal if it was ordered from Wish.com. The award was a toss-up between Glen Quagmire Dodd’s umpiring decision and Flame’s bowling but it then rather unexpectedly settled on Simon Walgate for his bowling display.

After last week’s heroics with a thread bare team, the Agnes were hoping for a similar ending this week with yet more absentees. The Manager was in the committee’s bad books after taking himself, 2 Watts and a scorer on a type of holiday that makes left wing activist, Sam Moore’s toes curl up. In what has never been seen before, the Manager will be thrown before an elite committee to decide his sentence.

The Skipper joined brother Tom on a WhatsApp behaviour course at Carnaby College. And Sam Appleton continued to break our hearts. With Charlie Watts away, Chopper was suddenly available and showed no signs of his magic sore shoulder that’s seen him side-lined recently. 

More good news was that the Flame returned from a week in ‘Spain’ (a caravan named Spain overlooking Withernsea Bay) to lead the attack. However, we soon learnt that the Flame without the Skipper at the other end is like Appy without a Stella, Stan Fryer without his perm or Judge McGivern without his high prices for a fresh orange and lemonade. 

Flamborough ended on a decent 120 after some healthy clubbing. The Agnes reply was extremely weak. Only the Flame showing a glimmer of resistance. The only positives on this doomed evening was the fielding of Fred Langton. Fred does have incurable and life threatening herpes from his time away in Asia, but it has improved his fielding.

The only other positive of the evening was the pizza after the game. With so many absentees and Glen Quagmire Dodds, Flame and an angry Albert not returning, it lead to very healthy pizza scenes.

11, yes 11 men were either sick, lame or lazy this week so the Agnes took to the field with a thread bare 11 men. Mark Beckett’s midlife crisis is showing no sign of easing with Mark playing golf once again during the height of summer – these are words we never thought we would have to type. Local business man, Richard Watts was on a submarine tour of the River Humber. The tour did however have to be cut short due to Richard’s terrible wind.

The Middleton men begun in rampant style, even the Goat saw his deliveries flying to the boundary. Fortunately, Agnes picked up regular wickets to slow down the Middleton onslaught. The game then took a major turn when the Goat caught a one handed diving catch at long on to remove the Middleton danger man.

The reply then started shakily for The Agnes; Marley Ward was dismissed and the MBP was soon following him. Will Watts and the 35-year-old, 17-year-old Freddie Gunning consolidated well. It did look like they had left too much to do and the Agnes would be collecting their second loss of the season. This was until the 15^th over when both batsmen threw caution to the wind and started scoring regular boundaries. Will Watts was then replaced by brother Charlie who hit his first ball for four to continue the carnage.

Freddie Gunning hit a straight four to steal victory from the jaws of defeat, he also stole the port moment from the Skipper’s hands with his knock.

In the words of the Manger, this was a true Agnes win.

Barmston 78-8  20 Overs

The Agnes Chaps travelled to Sewerby to play Barmston in the Hospital Cup quarter final. With no one really knowing what Barmston would be like, The Manager was forced to select a strong side.

With Tom Norman still banned and having to attend a WhatsApp behaviour course and Sam Wragg at a Ted lookalike convention in Birmingham, it meant that Marley Ward opened the batting with the MBP.

Freddie Gunning soon joined the MBP at the crease and it begun what turned out to be a rollercoaster of emotions for this young alpha male. Fred hit some lovely boundaries but was also hit extremely hard in his Cory – Fred was hit so hard that he had to retire hurt. Fred was then unfortunately chemically castrated by Mark Beckett in the changing room.

Agnes posted a healthy 147, which was an even greater effort when we saw the state of the ball used by Barmston.

The Goat and Flame then returned and restored normality after last week’s chaos. The Skipper picking up a classy 3-16 from his 5 overs. The Agnes ran to victory quite easily to book themselves into the semi-final. Port moment was awarded to ‘velcro hands’ Finn Ward for a wonder catch from his brother’s bowling.

The rollercoaster of emotions continued afterwards for young Freddie Gunning. Proud as punch and full of confidence, he brought along the new apprentice scorer to the bar afterwards. We do however regret to inform you that Fred was arrested on his walk home and is still in Hull prison. Fred blamed Stan fryer for his actions. The Agnes committee will have a meeting to discuss Fred and Stan’s behaviour.

To see the video of Freddie Gunning’s arrest, please watch the video.

It’s probably best to not say too much about this game and to draw a line under it. But it’s always fun to try and find blame somewhere. Do we blame Will for winning the toss and bowling? Do we blame Marley and Finn for still being at Scarborough McDonald’s at 6:30? Do we blame Jordans Zamunda for taking an international call at Driffield Post Office and arriving ten overs in? Do we blame it on the returning Will Watts, Ollie Becketts and Tom FraMiddleton? Or is it Stan Fryer’s fault for stopping the first shot of the game (a very hard pulled Brummie sweep) with his sternum?

What we did learn is that the 2 Goats – Flame and the Skipper have become irreplaceable like Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad.

A quick reflection, Brummie did what Brummie does and tw*tt*d 82. BABB batted better than the Agnes, bowled better than the Agnes and fielded better than the Agnes.

Port moment was awarded to Dan Broumpton by The Manager for his innings.

On a cold gloomy night, the Agnes welcomed local rivals Rudston. Fred Langton was unavailable; Fred’s family released a statement saying, what he has been involved in was not wise, but wasn’t illegal. Little Richard arrived with what looked like his brother but was later discovered to be his 7 year old son. The team agreed to watch their language in the presence of a youngster – only for Richard Watts to serve a volley of expletives when he made a scoring error. And finally, Sam Appleton arrived with an established cricketing friend, who ended up playing for the opposition. Judge McGivern will be called up to decide Sam’s punishment.

This was another win for the Agnes Chaps. Sam Moore top scoring with 29 and Appy taking 2-25

Another win for the Agnes chaps

The Agnes travelled to North Dalton for what is always an eventful evening. Who can forget last year’s Hospital Cup heroics? Or the time Sam Moore brought along his overweight Labrador that was too lazy to walk.

With the Manager once again scrapping for players at the last minute, it was time for Appy to step in, the Ice Man Glen Quagmire Dodds returned and Tom Norman wrote himself into Agnes folklore by travelling from southern Lincolnshire.

Agnes began well with Wraggy and Marley Ward getting the scorecard moving. Young Gunning and Tom then helped Agnes to post a par score of 125.

At the half way point, it was extreme high tension for the non-travelling support. Richard Watts was listening in an old lorry that had long wave. The MBP was listening nervously on his alarm clock radio from his down stairs toilet and Chopper found an old radio and listened uneasily from his caravan. At 60-1, this was Dalton’s game to lose. The game was then sparked into controversy with the Boris Johnson of the Bridlington Evening League, Breiviks Walgate unsurprisingly at the centre of the storm. Jordans Zamunda took a regulation caught and bowled which Breiviks bewilderingly refused to walked for. This exploded the game into life. With the game on a knife’s edge, Tom Norman then got a direct hit and Appy bowled a double wicket maiden to seal the victory for the Agnes Men. Jim Walgate was seen slamming his Defender door and driving off at high speed. There were also wild scenes from the downstairs toilet, lorry and caravan.

Port moment was awarded to the travelling Tom Norman for his direct hit.

In an exclusive after game interview, North Dalton chairman and brother of the guilty Breiviks Walgate, Ivan Toney Mole said that “Simon is as popular as Phil Schofield in that changing room at the moment. We’ll reflect on his actions and see what direction we take as a punishment”