The Agnes met on a glorious summer evening at the Royal Victoria Fields. With the sun beating down, the smell of a freshly prepared Agnes wicket and the view of Sam Appleton’s van in the car park; are there any better sights to see on a summer evening?
In true Agnes fashion for the 2021 season, more men were unavailable than who were available. Matt Nesfield has a confirmed case of ACI (Avoid Cricket Itis). With Matt having such a big nose it has meant that he has been unable to wear a mask – making the transmission of ACI even more fatal. Sam Wragg and Rob Norman have been close contacts with Matt and are both now running out of excuses to not play.
Agnes won the toss and decided to bat. Will Norman’s early season form has deserted him and he was soon back in the hutch. He was closely followed by Sam Stellar Appleton. Marley Ward hung about to support Will Watts but the telling partnership came from the dazzling Will Watts and Sam Moore. The good looking pair stroked the ball to all corners of the ground. Tom Norman arrived late having been bitten by a pig at work and saw Agnes finish on a way above par 147. Will Watts scoring 64 not out and Sam Moore scoring 37.
Middleton made an excellent start to their reply thanks to some great shots. Agnes were looking rattled in the field. Freddie Mercs Langton, who has been a pillar of strength in the field this season, was clearly feeling the added pressure of having his entire family watching him at a sporting event for the first time. The bearded second hand car salesmen was a shivering wreck and needed a few overs in the Fryer positions to recompose himself. Fred did later admit he had soiled himself.
Luckily for The Agnes, the game then swung in their favour thanks to Marley Ward’s left arm spin and Charlie Watts’ leg twea-uck. Albert Boynton gave an LBW that was hitting the middle of middle stump much to the anger of the Middleton Australian and then it was time for Sam Appleton to mop up the tail with 4 wickets. Sam Appleton proved once again that he is not the superhero that Agnes deserve but the superhero that Agnes needed.
Port Moment was awarded back at The Manor, in front of a bruised Mark Chopper Beckett and plenty of pizzas, to Sam Moore. Will Watts, Sam Appleton and Marley Ward all tremendously unlucky to miss out.
On a muggy Thursday evening, the Agnes men travelled to Bert’s field to play BAB, a team the Agnes know all too well. Many, many men were unavailable. The Ward brothers were playing for Flixton. Flame was at a beer festival in Northampton. Charlie Watts was drinking Grey Goose at £350 a bottle in Ibiza. Louis Beckett was travelling to Italy to watch England in the quarter finals and Sam Wragg was still unavailable for reasons that are too upsetting to type. These absentees did make way for returning players. Sam Moore returned to battle once again having died 3 weeks ago in a lake. Sam arrived 40 minutes late, with two heavily erect nipples and with a John Deere tractor strapped to his Ute.
This game could be remembered for many reasons; Agnes winning at BAB is always enjoyable. The returning Sam Moore. Mark Beckett’s stump cartwheeling to the boundary to give Danny Broumpton a hat-trick. Will Watts dropping the dangerous Ben Kohler-Cadmore. Sam Moore’s direct hit. Tom Norman being plundered into the wheat field by a batsmen named Glen. Being watched on by angry tennis players. Freddie Mercs Langton’s aids riddled hand or even Dan Fryer drinking 50% of the port in the Black Swan afterwards. The game will however most likely be remembered for the debut of Sam Appleton. A lad with more tattoos than Josh Dawson and a smile that melts both men and women’s hearts. Appleton starred firstly with the bat – hitting some sweet sixes. He then shone with the ball. Bowling tightly and removing the always dangerous Danny Broumpton. Sam received a bottle of port for his efforts in the Black Swan after the game. What happened next was like something from Dragons Den. So impressed were the Agnes chaps with Sam’s pitch that it turned into a bidding war to sign the new heart throb. Mark Beckett offered him unlimited rides on the speed boats. The skipper offered him some harvest work. Watty offered him permanent work on a dumper truck. Freddie Mercs Langton offered him a night of passion in one of Judge McGivern’s cabins and hard faced business man Dave Jackson offered him 2% of his business in exchange for match winning performances. Appleton rode off into the night like a true super hero to ponder his offers. Appleton didn’t ride off on horseback, instead he was driving a big break down van.
On a windy and warm night at the Royal Victoria Fields, Agnes welcomed Driffield Rugby Club. With Driffield RUFCCC only having 6 men at the time of the toss, it seemed only right that Agnes chose to field first.
Many men once again were unavailable. Fred Langton was on a first date. Sam Moore is … no one really knows where he is anymore but he wasn’t there. Louis Beckett was on a yacht in Cannes. No one knows what’s happened to Matt Nesfield and it was reported by Richard Watts that French Barry’s ashes were spread on a beach in the Normandy region yesterday morning. RIP French Barry. The two Wards’ were playing for Flixton and it is too painful to say why Sam Wragg wasn’t playing.
DRUFCCC started well. An attacking batsmen who looked a bit like The Flame came out flailing the willow. The Agnes bowlers then got to work. Ben Brown was his economical self. Ollie Becketts floored a batsman with a steepling bouncer and JordanZamunda was unplayable on a lively Agnes track. Blonde bombshell Charlie Watts bowled excellently and was well supported by Will Watts behind the stumps who to the surprise of even himself kept dazzlingly. DRUFCCC posted what looked like a way below par 64. So confidence were the Agnes chaps, the manager cracked open a bottle of port and drunkenly sent Marley Ward an angry text message at the interval.
Agnes’ reply started well. Will and Tom Norman hitting a brace of boundaries each. The collapse then began. Guy Brumfield removed both Normans’ with unplayable deliveries and then the collapse begun. Will Watts showed some good resistance as did Will Bradley. But when Bradley was caught it was suddenly all about the pressure. Will Megginson kept bowling on the stumps and the Agnes Batsmen kept shuffling across all 3 and making it impossible for the umpire to not give them out LBW. Last man Albert Boynton luckily shuffling across so much that he was hit outside the off stump. Ben Brown was there at the end to see a nervous Agnes over the line. Port moment went to Will Watts who kept brilliantly. Sowersby was awarded a bottle of port too for a delightful caught and bowled. Over looked by a very angry Judge McGivern, fines were discussed after the game with players’ availability being poor throughout the team. Ironically it was Will Norman, who hasn’t missed a game yet, who was fined for what was deemed to be unacceptable umpiring.
Agnes welcomed top of the league Grindale on an overcast but hot evening at the Royal Victoria Fields.
Many Agnes chaps were unavailable. Sam Moore has caught his foot in a lawn mower ruling him out. Jordan Zamunda was busy being a tourist and was holidaying in London. And Skipper Rob Norman is still in Hull Royal ICU. Worryingly, it is still touch and go whether or not the roof of his mouth will recover sufficiently for him to eat properly again following last week’s pizza disaster – Bad news for the skipper but excellent news for Judge McGivern and all the staff at Manor Court.
Watching on from a live stream in his hospital bed, the skipper called heads which was correct with the skipper chosing to bat. Will Watts and Will Norman opened the batting. Will Norman was soon back in the hutch having feathered one to the keeper. Will Watts and Tom Norman got things going until Will Watts was maliciously run out. Sam Wragg looked good for his 19 until he tried one big shot too many. Wickets continued to tumble. Tom Norman then managed to run out Charlie Watts making it two from two. Tom was seen winking towards Marley Ward when a deflated Charlie Watts was walking of the pitch. Richard Watts and the Manager have said that a thorough investigation of this matter will take place before the next game. Both Tom and Marley have been suspended indefinitely.
Tom Norman batted as well as he ever has done on the Agnes track and it looked like he was going to finally get the monkey off his back of scoring a 50 at the famous ground. He however ended up being caught and bowled for 36. Agnes limped to 92.
Grindale’s reply got off to a flyer – Pick and Jackson smoking the ball to all parts. This was until The Flame added first Pick and then Jackson into his back pocket. The Flame is quickly becoming the Agnes’ go to man for all situations.
Wickets continued to tumble thanks to Ollie Becketts and it was becoming tight. Edmunson and Robinson, unfortunately for Agnes, saw Grindale over the line. Port moment was awarded to Mark Beckett for catching a brilliant skier. Sam Wragg claiming, “I’ve lost me house” when the ball wasn’t shelled.
During this summer heatwave, it was time to have a much needed home game at The Royal Victoria Fields. The Nesfield’s were unavailable again and it is looking more and more like they have both quit. Mark Becketts was available but was ruthlessly dropped due to the manager’s young player policy. Sam Moore was still displaying covid symptoms and Louis Beckett is still a player we all dream of erotically. Will Watts returned despite being banned by the ECB. Will has spent a lot of time in the gym during lockdown. Unfortunately, Will is now about as agile as some of his dad’s concrete panels.
Cheered on by a well-tanned Cornish-Barry or French-Barry depending on who you ask, Agnes lost the toss and it was their turn to stand in the heat first. With no Ben Brown, it was time for the youngsters to step up. Ollie Becketts and Tom Norman started tightly. This was followed by tight spells from Sharky Ward and Jordan-Zamunda. Sam Wragg and the blonde-haired Charlie Watts finished off. Mercs Langton caught two catches but 7 dropped chances and a long Driffield batting order saw the visitors post what looked 20-30 above par.
Agnes’ reply started well. Will and Tom Norman getting the score to 29 before Tom Norman was given out LBW. Sam Wragg and Marley Ward soon followed and an Agnes collapse was on the cards. Jordan-Zamunda and The MBP tried valiantly but it was all in vain with Agnes falling 10 short. Will Norman slogging 85 including 8 Ferns Farm Maximums.
The port was shared at The Manor afterwards between Freddie Mercs Langton, who is quickly becoming one of the better fielders in the league and the MBP. It is with regret that we have to report that Rob Norman had to spend the night in Hull Royal Infirmary with severe cheese and tomato burns to the back of his throat.
Agnes had yet another away game this week, travelling to the picturesque North Dalton CC. Agnes were left scrambling for players last minute with many casualties. Matt Nesfield was available until he realised it was another away game – causing his magic hamstring to flare up once again. Sam Moore is still isolating after being contacted by the track and trace system. Jamie Nesfield couldn’t play for reason we legally can’t disclose. Will Watts was in the starting XI until he was dropped by his grandad after racist tweets resurfaced from his twitter account from 8 years ago. All 4 Beckett’s (including Big Cas from Mel) were putting in overtime on the speed boats. And Zimbabwean Jordan Stocks was busy farming.
A croaky voiced Richard Watts returned to scoring duties. Skipper Rob Norm won the toss and elected to bat. Will and Tom Norman batted until 10 overs until Tom played one big shot too many. The Agnes men tried to increase the run rate but tight bowling restricted them to 115. Will Norman ending on an unbeaten 65. This score looked 15-20 under par on what was a delightful batting surface.
Over to the bowlers, The Flame had the ball talking, similar to Mohammed Asif in his prime. The talented M&ND batsmen could simply nod in appreciation at this craftsman at work. Tom Norman kept things tight at the other end and at the 10 over mark the pressure had really built up on the M&ND batsmen. There was either going to be a flurry of wickets or a flurry of boundaries. Unfortunately for Charlie Watts it was the latter. Brieviks Schmeichel Walgate hitting the blonde haired leggy for a six that nearly landed at Bainton roundabout. The Agnes were left looking around the field for bowling options. The Skipper’s knee was suddenly in agony so it was left to debutant Fin Ward to bowl the remaining overs. The M&ND men swung hard but fell agonisingly short.
Well done to both teams for a great evening of cricket. Port moment was shared between debutant Fin Ward and the born again Ben Brown for their tight bowling. Freddie ‘Mercs’ Langton unfortunate to miss out for a stellar fielding performance.
The Agnes men made the long journey to Middleton on an unusually sunny evening. The Agnes chaps had been promised a good wicket by Agnes Bowler and the most arrogant man in cricket, Jamie Nesfield who is the groundsmen. Upon seeing the wicket a few of the team members did feel slightly foolish for believing the rarely seen quick bowler.
Sam Moore was unavailable due to having to isolate for the next two weeks. Richard Watts was still in “Portugal” (rehab) and Will Watts was still at “University” (Young offenders institute). This left young Charlie Watts as the solitary representative of the Watts clan. Matt Nesfield’s magic hamstring flared up when he saw it was an away fixture and Little Richard Wapbambaloo still hasn’t been seen since 2019. Some say he has attended every game but the long grass has disguised him expertly.
Agnes, again made a cautious start. Will Norman and Jordan Stockill took some time coming to terms with Jamie Nesfield’s work. Once they realised the ball wasn’t going to bounce the scoreboard began to rattle up. 77 not out from the MBP and some useful contributions around him saw Agnes post 129. This looked 30-40 above par.
This was proved correct when the Middleton innings began. The Flame, the Darren Stevens of the Bridlington Evening League was simply unplayable on this bag of snakes. The Flame did say after the game that he wishes he could bowl on Jamie Nesfield’s wickets every week. The Flame and Ollie Beckett started tightly. It was then left for Jordan Stockill (6-17) and Charlie Watts (2-28) to hoover up the innings. Mark Chopper Becketts and Rob Norman turned their arm over valiantly and MND were eventually all out for 104.
Port moment went to the aging Skipper for some deft footwork on the boundary.
On another damp evening, RBA entertained BABB at the Royal Victoria Sports ground. Agnes had a stronger squad of players to pick from. Matt Nesfield returned and Sam Moore was available once again.
Agnes won the toss and decided to bat. Will Norman and Jordan Stockill made a cautious start. BABB Bowled tightly and the Agnes inning threatened to get going but regular wickets pegged back progress. Will Norman hit some sixes and some late boundaries from Sam Wragg saw The Agnes Men post 86. This looked a par score on a testing track with the recent weather. Mark Johnson picking up very impressive figures of 7-17 from his 4 overs.
Agnes started well with Tom Norman and The Flame bowling tightly. At 10 overs and BABB at 45-4 it was 50/50. That was until Dan Broumpton, a player who has dominated the Bridlington Evening League for the last 10 years, hit some sixes out of Burton Agnes. BABB soon raced to victory.
A decent performance from the Agnes but well played to BABB.
Port moment went to the fiery Jordan Stockill who picked up impressive figures of 5-24.
Driffield Rugby Club @ Wetwang CC 71 ao (16 overs)
After a year off due to the pandemic, the Agnes men met at Wetwang CC for their first league encounter of the 2021 season. Driving there through rain, snow and grey clouds, it wasn’t looking likely that a ball would be bowled. But having had a year off, both teams cracked on.
Both Little Richard and Sam Wragg were at a Smurf convention in Birmingham. The Nesfields’ were busy being unavailable. Richard Panton is busy living the settled down life now and James Nettleton still hasn’t been seen since that atrocious piece of fielding against Staxton CC back in 2016.
Louis Beckett came to spectate and was happy on the side lines chilling and signing autographs. Fred Langton arrived and it really looked like he’d driven through a terrible ice storm. On closer inspection, what looked like ice and snow was just a sea of grey hairs.
Will Norman and New Boy Jordan opened the batting. Jordan showing that he can hold a bat. Some lusty blows and later order hitting saw Agnes post 76. Manager, Dave Jackson and Watty both thought this was possibly 5 below par.
DRUFCCC@WCC started like a steam train – James Clark hitting boundaries all over the Wolds. It was almost like he had a point to prove. A brilliant run out by Jordan Olonga Stockill skilfully stopped this innings.
With 8 needed from 12 balls it looked like it was done and dusted for the Rugby Men. Ollie Becketts had other ideas as he picked up his 5th wicket. It was down to Tom Norman to bowl a tight last over to earn the first victory of the 2021 season.
Port moment was shared between Jordan and Becketts.